The Elder Scribbles: Dear Fourth Wall
by Smothered By Moths
Summary: A look into some of the other messages those couriers are carrying around. Letters written to and from a whole host of different characters with all manner of bizarre situations included. For amusement purposes only. Rated T to be on the safe side.
1. Dear Cowardly Dragon

**A/N:** This is a series of mostly short letters written for amusement and addressing all the things in skyrim and oblivion that made me giggle because they were either not meant to happen or just struck me as ridiculous, along with some added situations that are not in the game but amused me none the less. Not to be taken seriously as you might have guessed and if you are against fourth wall breaking then these are probably not for you.

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**Dear cowardly dragon**,

I know you were likely frightened, your heart thudding at the realization that the world eater's conqueror had set his eyes upon you and had already loosed many an arrow in your general direction before readying a shout that no dragon ever wants to experience. I understand… really I do, however, you might consider these things are likely to happen when you land in front of him, devour his horse, knock his companion off of the cliff side and set fire to his eyebrows. Which I'll have you know have yet to grow back, and I have a sneaking feeling that people are beginning to suspect that the soot smudges I've used as substitutions are in fact not really my eyebrows.

Anyway yes, yes, I am aware that you are a dragon, I get it, it is not your fault that you can't speak without lighting something on fire or smashing it to pieces. All I'm saying is that you can't be surprised when these actions you seem to take such pleasure in performing, get a less than chipper reaction from well frankly everyone you come across. And can you really say that flying off into outer space with your wings covering your face in the oddest fashion… seriously doesn't that hurt at all to do that? That couldn't have been comfortable… I could see your bone sticking through the membrane… Anyway… can you say that was the better choice?

I mean yes, it was true that I was going to jump atop your head with a sharp pointy thing and then proceed to stab you in the face with said sharp pointy thing until you shut up and well… ceased to be alive. All in the hopes that upon your death I could suck your soul out of you and maybe learn a word of your language in the process. However, I am hard pressed to see how flying directly into the sun makes for a better demise. You're a dragon after all, it's not as if you need to work on your tan or something. And even if that were the case, you soaked up enough rays in those first few seconds to last several lifetimes. One would think the sunburn alone would make one long to be stabbed repeatedly in the face instead.

But I digress, all in all I hope you're pleased with yourself. Robbing me of my prize and my means of transportation so I had to ride all the way back to Solitude on my companion's shoulders. All while listening to her endless whining about burdens and broken bones from falling halfway down a mountain. I hope you find outer space to be incredibly dull and completely devoid of conversation, air, and aloe vera.

Yours truly,

The Dragonborn.

P.s. I plundered that chest you were guarding, what on nirn were you doing with four potions of ultimate stamina and the latest copy of "The Sultry Argonian Bard"?


	2. Dear Eccentric Patron

**Dear eccentric patron,**

First I would like to thank you for your continued patronage of Riverwood Trader and as you might have seen when you last visited, I have put that five hundred gold you invested with me last Morndas to good use. We now carry a much wider selection of junk... er... treasures, to offer to our customers and so far business has improved greatly. However there are somethings that I feel I need to inform you of seeing as now we are business partners, financially at least.

First and foremost now that our fortunes are linked, I think it is safe to say you do not have to keep selling me every piece of clutter you come across. While I am thrilled that you think so highly of my skills as a merchant, I can't help but question how you expect me to sell three hundred and thirty four cabbages before they begin to spoil. Same goes for that cart load of woven baskets you brought with you three days ago. Now I do not know how much experience you have selling merchandise but I can assure you the average citizen of Riverwood would not have a use or the coin needed to purchase most of the wares you bring me. It is very difficult to sell dragon bones to people who frankly don't believe they are what I say they are.

Which isn't to say that I don't greatly appreciate the effort, it saves quite a bit of gold when I do not have to order things from abroad or pay the cost of a caravan to get them here. It is just that since your last visit I can scarcely move in my own shop due to the magnitude of things cluttering it. And just yesterday I had to take two hours out of my business day in order to unbury my dear sister who had become trapped under a pile of goods. All because she was trying to locate a pair of calipers amid all the things you brought.

Secondly, I fear this surplus of goods has led to some very bold thieves targeting the shop. They've only hit twice so far but for the life of me I can't discern how they managed to rob me in broad daylight. And it grieves me to admit that both instances occurred on exactly the same days you came by to unload more merchandise. Which on that note, if you recall anything from those days please inform the guard. So far they have been most unhelpful in tracking down the culprits, always muttering that they have more important things to do than track down stolen sweetrolls. However, if someone of your stature were to demand they investigate I'm sure they'd be more enthusiastic about catching the thieves. After all, you are Thane and all that.

But that brings me to another matter I wanted to discuss. I am aware that you are a man of standing and are allowed some peculiar habits which I in no way wish to impose upon. But I really must insist you stop demanding that I wear a bucket on my head every time you visit. I'm not sure why you do this, nor what reason someone who is already wearing a full set of daedric armor could possibly have for further impeding my ability to see. But never the less it has to stop. I've had to remove no less than sixteen splinters from my personage since you first insisted on this bizarre custom, and furthermore it makes it very difficult to catch thieves. Also I feel very silly in front of my sister, and the last time you didn't even have the decency to inform me that you were leaving! I spent a full hour in the dark thinking I was having a conversation with you. And words can not describe my embarrassment when another customer came in and informed me that I was standing in an empty shop with a bucket on my head and talking to myself.

I am sorry if my words sound harsh but I simply will not suffer such humiliation again. With that said I hope you will be generous enough to cover the expense of some new security measures I've feel the shop needs if we are to discourage thieves. And also if you could send extra gold I would like to import some Falmer blood elixir from Riften. It is pricey stuff but my correspondence there assures me that we will earn our gold back tenfold as people seem very keen on the stuff due to its magical properties. I've also taken the liberty of ordering a bottle for you personally so that you might test the aforementioned properties out yourself. Given the state of the lady you had in tow with you last time… I would say you could use a bit of liquid aid in that area… but forgive me it's not my place to speak of such things.

Anyway, best of luck in your endeavors and I hope you will take my advice to heart the next time you contemplate dragging two hundred and seventy empty bottles all the way here on your companion's back.

Ever hopeful,

Lucan.


	3. Dear Resident of Breezehome

**Dear Resident of Breezehome**,

I have stolen all of your sweet rolls. Do not attempt to reclaim them. Do not attempt to alert the guard.

Sufficiently satisfied,

_The Sweet roll bandit._


	4. Dear Housecarl

**Dear Housecarl,**

I know you think it was cute, stealing all my sweet rolls and then eating them while sitting in my bedroom watching me try to sleep. And that note you wrote? Hilarious really. In fact it was so funny that just to prove how funny I thought it was, I've decided to let you carry all two hundred of these dragon bones all the way back to Whiterun.

Why you ask, would I require you to carry almost a complete dragon skeleton on your back all the way from Windhelm? Because my dear Lydia, because.

Also I'm thinking about stringing them up in front of my door. That should keep that brat Braith from hovering like a hooligan out there in the mornings. Just waiting to ruin a perfectly good day with the grate of her aggravating little voice.

Sincerely,

Your Thane.

P.S. You do know that your chewing keeps me up at night right? And that you have your own room you could be stuffing your face in?


	5. Dear Maven,

**Dear Maven Black-Briar,**

I doubt you will recall my face, which I suppose is just as well for my purposes. I write to you only to assuage some rather grievous errors in the assumptions you seem to be harboring.

First, your threats to those who 'cross you', idle as they are, are something of an affront. You see the name of my organization is not yours to throw out on your whim. And I feel I should inform you now that whatever arrangement you might have once had with my predecessor is no longer valid. Consider it 'Void' if you will.

And unless you honestly wish to meet, in some darkened alley where there will be no witnesses to even remark on your passing, I suggest you find some other group to sully with your association.

Or perhaps your rooms would be a preferred meeting locale? I assure you some place will present itself if you prove foolish enough to continue.

Secondly, I advise you to think very carefully about your position as Jarl. It is after all a chaotic time in Skyrim, a time of upheaval and unrest. What a shame it would be for something tragic to befall Riften's newly crowned Jarl simply because she began sticking her crooked nose where it was most unwelcomed. Would you not agree?

No longer tolerating you,

The Listener.

**P.S.** I have taken it upon myself to relieve you of that so called bodyguard you hired. Seeing as he was so easy to dispatch you may want to reevaluate your hiring practices in the future.


	6. Dear Nameless Citizen

Dear Nameless Citizen,

I'm writing to you in response to the request I received from you some time ago and the letters following it asking why I had not yet written back.

First let me explain something that you don't seem to be grasping;

I slay dragons for a living, with the occasional giant or gang of bandits when the bounty is high enough. This is as you might have guessed, a dangerous and grueling task and I am very seldom at home to read letters sent to me by people I have never met. So, please keep this in mind the next time you decide to waste money on a courier and try to limit yourself to sending one message rather than two dozen.

Secondly I'd like to point something out that may have slipped your notice;

**I SLAY DRAGONS FOR A LIVING.**

If you look closely, you may note that nowhere in the above sentence are the words "retrieve" "necklace" "cave" or "falmer". The reason they do not appear is because I'm bloody well not going to go climb into the earth looking for an object I've never seen, that is tiny and likely not worth as much as you think it is, facing falmer and ancient dwemer machinery, just because you want me to. With the money you'd have to pay me to even consider such a job, you could replace that necklace hundreds of times over. Honestly, you probably could have replaced it several times by now with the money you've used to send all these blasted letters.

So just so we're clear, I will not go and get this necklace for you. Not now, not next month, not a year from now, not twenty years from now. Unless by some divine sense of twisted humor, your necklace ends up around a dragon's neck, I'm not retrieving it for you.

~ Seriously stop sending me letters,

The Dragonborn


	7. Dear Nameless Citizen 2

Dear Citizen,

I have found this necklace that I believe belongs to you. Don't ask me where I found it… I don't want to talk about it.

~Seriously questioning his faith in the divines and the fashion sense of dragons,

The Dragonborn


	8. Dear Shadowmere,

Dear Shadowmere,

I know reading this may be difficult, given the being a horse thing. But I feel like when I speak to you my words just aren't getting through anymore.

I think I reached that epiphany last Morndas when we traveled to Leyawiin to fulfill the task that Sanguine had given me. Imagine my surprise when after casting that most peculiar spell and being stripped of everything I'd been carrying, I ran past very angry guards only to find my trusted steed no where in sight.

I thought for sure you'd been eaten by a daedroth. And of course I was overwhelmed with…. something… to find you perfectly safe and sound afterwards… all the way back at Fort Farragut three weeks later.

Do you have any idea how long of a trek it is from Leyawiin all the way to Sanguine's shrine? WITHOUT SHOES NO LESS!

I hope you'll understand that this will seriously affect your ration of apples for the next few months. You'll have to make due I suppose.

And by make due, I do not mean eating the chickens of every farmer we pass. Those little snacks are quite costly when all is said and done and we both know you end up coughing up feathers for days afterwards anyways.

~ Still unamused,

The Listener


	9. Dear Initiate

Dear unnamed initiate,

We need to have a word and seeing as I'm currently a guest of the Solitude guard thanks to your little stunt, this letter will have to do.

I'm not entirely sure what ran through your mind when Nazir offered you a place with the brotherhood. Whether you knew the breadth of our business practices or just jumped at the chance to leave your old life behind I'll likely never know. What I do know however, is that after the time you've spent among our ranks you should be well aware that we are a guild of assassins and not a social club for black leather enthusiasts or whatever else you might be thinking we are.

I repeat, we murder people for money.

Bearing that in mind, I am absolutely dying to know why when you and I slipped aboard the dainty sload you then felt the need to point out, rather loudly I might add, the fact that I was trespassing. OF COURSE WE WERE TRESPASSING, we were there to murder someone. What were you expecting I wonder? That I would politely knock and wait for an invitation before slitting her throat?

I could have overlooked the remark had it been singular in nature and not damn near shouted at the top of your thrice damned lungs. But no, you had to carry on the entire time, alerting the entire ship which in turn alerted the city guard. I'm partially suspicious that your plan was to get us caught if only because your actions would make no sense otherwise.

Oh and don't mistake my distracting the guard so that you might escape as mercy. I merely knew that it would be harder to throttle the life out of you if you were in prison. But don't worry, these past few days I've spent planning my jailbreak have also given me plenty of time to contemplate how best to convey my disappointment in you and I must say it will be some of my most creative work to date.

Sincerely,

your Listener.

P.s. I'll give you a three day head start. Use it wisely.

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A/n: So I don't know if anyone else had a similar experience but when I went to do the dainty sload contract, my initiate spent the entire kill screaming that I was trespassing... I may have shouted her off the boat for that one.


End file.
